I tell people I like to travel every once in a while but upon hearing that I’m heading to New York from Montreal for the umpteenth time with a possible road trip down to Florida, my 7 year old cousin blurted out, “Here we go again!”

The worst part of taking a trip is lugging around a heavy suitcase or realizing you need something you never thought you would.  I’m not here to tell you to pack socks, underwear, and a few nice t-shirts- you already know that. What may not have occurred to you are my top 10 personal lifesavers:

1.      Microfiber Towel

There is nothing more disgusting than having to pack a heavy, smelly, wet towel. A microfiber towel is the best option: it’s thin, lightweight, absorbent, and best of all, fast-drying (on sunny days, in under 15 minutes)! Before you stock up on Shamwow, please note that you can find microfiber towels of different sizes at any good ‘outdoor’ store.

2.      Solid Shampoo and Conditioner

If at some point in life, you’ve sealed a shampoo bottle in a plastic baggie wrapped in a plastic bag for fear of it bursting in your luggage, fear not! A solid shampoo or conditioner is compact and fits into a small metal tin easily stored in a luggage or carry-on. When used in the shower, these two work just like the liquid kind. As an added bonus, the solid versions can be placed in a carry-on while liquids usually cannot.  Lush is a good brand for this. www.lush.com

3.      Blister Bandages

If you’re on vacation, chances are you’ll be walking more than you’ve walked all year during your 9-5 job. For some, blisters are inevitable but they don’t have to be painful. Specially made bandages feel like a second skin and not only protect your blisters but cushion each step. A good choice is from Bandaid’s Active-Flex line. Trust me- you need this! PS. Don’t pop blisters, the liquid you see is lymph meant to heal your wound faster. www.bandaid.com

4.      Pocket Watch

While a pocket watch stirs up images of the Victorian Era, keep in mind that an out of sight watch will not only free you of tan lines, but also from the constraints of time itself when it’s not an obvious reminder. A modern adaptation is the “clip watch” that can be clipped to belt loops, packs, or purses. Bonus points if you find one with an LED light

5.      Mini FM Radio with Headphones

Sure, you have your iPod but does it play the latest Italian music? When travelers listen to their MP3 players, they are missing out on a whole chunk of local culture: music and language. You don’t need to understand it to enjoy it. An inexpensive one can be purchased at a dollar store.

6.      LED Light

An LED light is perfect for those moments when you’re fumbling for your keys, searching for lost underwear under the bed, or even walking through the occasional dark ruins like ancient tombs and caverns. The last time I used mine, I was making my way down a black well at the ancient Greek ruins of Mycenae while others groped blindly at the walls. This can usually be found at a dollar store.

7.      Mini Compass

The directions seem simple enough, “walk north on Main Street” but when you just got out of the subway, do you really know your ass fr-uh, never mind. A small compass, though you probably never use it in your everyday life, ensures that you don’t walk five blocks in the wrong direction on a hot summer’s day. Who doesn’t want to save time and energy?

8.      Travel Clothesline

When you’re staying at a resort, there are only so many doorknobs on which to hang your wet undies and bathing suits on. A travel clothesline is small, peg-less, and can be hooked and extended from almost anything. It also comes with suction cups.

9.      Tissues and Wet Wipes

Not all toilets have paper and not all birds poo on trees. Similarly, hold on to those extra napkins from the restaurant.  

10.  Two-in-One Clothes

Get the most out of your wardrobe by having clothes that can be worn in different ways. It’s rare to find a reversible top but if you get your hands on one- buy it! My favourite item is American Apparel’s ‘bandeau’ dress which can be worn more than 10 ways, including as a top and skirt. www.americanapparel.com

“I don’t understand anything,” she says. Her eyes close. Her breath slows.

I could tell her I want her. Squeeze her, hug her, something like that. God knows, now would be the time to say something. Smooth things over so I won’t hear her crying in the bathroom later thinking about what a jackass thing I said even though it hasn’t been an hour since I last said I was sorry.

Lynn, you’ve turned me into such a bastard. How did a good fuck turn into dinner over chicken?

Her warm skin is pressing against mine. I can feel us stick together. My sweat is her sweat. Man, do I love to see her sweat. I love her.

“I’m missing the spinach,” I say, peeling myself away from her.

She rises up from the couch slipping her flip flops over her perfectly manicured toes.

“I’ll come with you,” she says.

I can’t help but feel like she’s trying to hold the whole thing over my head, tagging along to remind me what a big screw-up I am.

“It’s OK, Mom. I can get the spinach all by myself.”

Crap. She’s not a mom. Not this again. And I see her eyes widen and her lower lip pouty and soft, tremble. I just want to wipe that look off her face; that look kills me.

“Christ, I hate you.” As she bites the corner of her mouth her tears splatter and muddy the brown carpet. She’ll either lunge at me or slump over and cry…

“I can get the spinach all by myself.” I say this again with a little more conviction as I fumble for the keys to my pickup. “By myself.”

Five minutes was all she needed to feel crispy and warm. When she had had enough, she squeezed herself out of the burning-hot-waffle-iron of a tanning bed, convinced that she melted away that burger she had for lunch.  She directed herself to the bathroom. The coconut scented oil had entrenched itself into her pores, the rays heated her skin, and the smell of coconut macaroons piqued her nose. Unfortunately, she didn’t enjoy smelling like macaroons all day and washed up with a damp paper towel, unnecessarily passing it under her armpits seeing as she didn’t put any oil there anyway, but she figured she might as well take the opportunity to feel fresh.

Feeling stressed, he took a smoke from a stack. He inhaled and filled his lungs. The blackness pouring out from that factory yards away from him seemed just as good as any drag from a cigarette and he took full advantage of this. He felt the smoothness as smoke floated away and imitated clouds, even clouding over the clouds themselves at some point and made a soft indistinct dance towards his lips. The high of knowing he got his smokes for free was just as addictive as the rush he got from the ones he used to buy. He kept going until he wondered for a moment why he bought hypo-allergenic shampoo when his lungs and eyes were way more irritated than his scalp.

The chicken was tough and she hadn’t even got it for free. This was one tough chicken that, in its lifetime, probably knew the pecking order but didn’t necessarily peck accordingly. Judging from the taste, she could tell his chicken took on the ducks, took on the goats, and took on the cows and didn’t know its own strength. Definitely grain-fed… and how about those hormones, she mused as she rolled the flesh over her tongue. It was beefy. Could a chicken be beefy? A fat kid, a pleasant rotund fat kid could be beefy, a hand could be beefy, and dog food could be beefy too. Could this chicken be as much? Perhaps inter-species parallels were a tad too much. Robust, plump and hearty… Man, this must have been one fatass chicken, she decided.  She had not noticed everyone noticing her.

*

           Her mouth was smeared with Hellman’s…  that guy had some nerve having himself, his creamy caloric goodness, spread all over the pie hole of some lady. Each forkful- no, each forklift of chicken salad, left behind traces of chicken that caught itself in the grooves of her teeth. Pasty white cheese and served as an adhesive and ensured the fowl sight between her teeth wasn’t going anywhere. She took a gulp of Coke, DIET Coke. Her fat stubby fingers engulfing it… succulent links, plump and firm to the touch.

            She took one more gulp, her very last, that made her double chin jiggle. With that, a rather large piece of chicken in her teeth, whom I had grown fond of and named Chicky Ricky, was washed away. 

           I could tell she burped a little. Her whole body gave a start, and the umbrella by her leg plopped onto the floor. It was the kind that burns your nose as you feel it bubble up and pass. It was only when I jabbed my last French fry into the ketchup, (I liked to pretend I was putting out my last cigarette) that I looked away.

It was going to rain and that was that, matter of fact. He made his way to the entrance whose contents were laid out efficiently and effectively, of course. The earth smelled. Or was that the rain? It smelled as delicious as it gets in the city, anyway. More like a wet jacket the day after when it’s still damp and it’s made of fabric (instead of some kind of plastic where the water slides off) and you kept it in a bag overnight because you didn’t want water dripping all over the floor. That’s almost what it smelled like outside, he accepted that. Wet and humid, this was the way he liked it. He nodded to himself in reassurance and stepped out the door.  

Yesterday was a very hectic day for me. Oy vey! I was walking down the street and I see this woman being attacked by a man. I don’t know how it started but he was grabbing her arm very hard and pulling her. He even tried to kick her and her dog, and he did not want to let her go! I have no idea how it started, so I was a bit cautious. I have to say that thankfully, it was not a very violent situation, he wasn’t beating her or anything, but he was still a strange man holding her with an iron grip. She, of course, was struggling to get away from him. I assessed the situation and decided I wouldn’t be putting myself in too much danger by stepping in, even if I know nothing about self defence should the situation escalate (although, I should really take a class!).

I walked up to her and asked her if she needed help (just in case she might have known the man and told me that I needed to mind my own business, in that case, i would have stepped aside but called the police instead). So she said “Yes, this man is assaulting me! He just started grabbing me and won’t let me go!” My second question, though I wonder if I should have posed so many, is if she had already called the police, and she said she had. I also asked her if she knew this man. She didn’t. He was a homeless man.. It was also evident that she couldn’t fight back as much as she would have liked because while one arm was being held by him, her other hand was holding the dog’s leash.

Now, I really hate confrontation. I don’t think many people actually LIKE it but this attack wasn’t even happening to me and I was the one who felt violated. I had a moment of “Who the hell are you to do this and put me and her in a situation like this???” towards the attacker. All this was in a matter of a couple of minutes, mind you, but it felt infinite.

I’ve watched enough COPS and done enough customer service to know that yelling and screaming, and kicking and hitting was going to get me nowhere with this druggie. Seriously, of all the things that popped into my mind, I was thinking, “What do those negotiators do on cops?” and of course, they’re very firm with the bad guys but they don’t insult them or make them feel too bad about what they’re doing… otherwise they get nowhere. I felt like one of those people who learns CPR from watching Baywatch… I learned how to diffuse a ’hostage situation’ from TV!

So, I walked up to them, placed my hand on the woman’s arm (not touching him), looked right at him and firmly said, “You don’t need to be holding her arm right now.” He looked at me for a second, but didn’t react. He didn’t say anything at all. As a matter of fact, when he was attacking her, he didn’t say anything either! However, he still had an strong hold of her arm. I tried it again, sternly but calmly and without (too much) judgement: “You DO NOT need to be holding her arm. Let her go.” 

He did. Without a word. He left and didn’t turn back.

Of course, I’m extremely happy I stepped in but I also feel like a kid who was just told that Santa Claus isn’t real. Why was I the only one to step in? How come men twice my size didn’t stop? How could people just walk by? Is it because of the way she looks? Is it the color of her black skin? The same color as the attacker? Did they think they were together? Could it have been her tattoos? Had she been young, blonde and white, would people have reacted the same way? If that was me, would someone have helped?

I’ll never know the answer to these questions, I can only assume. And the likely answers make me sad.

I always wanted to write on shampoo bottles or cosmetics. Not “write” as in taking a sharpie to it….  I want to be the one who tells you that glacial water from Switzerland trickles down the mountain and is filtered by crystals, purified by volcanic rock, passes endangered species, and travels through a medieval moat, where it is then enriched by oxy complexes and fused together with proteins and alphabetazeta hydroxy generated by Gregorian monks following an ancient secret recipe handed down by Jesus.

I have a fascination with creating and mentally cataloging the ‘champ lexicale’ of certain products/themes/ideas, etc. I’ve never used that term in English but I’d have to assume it translates to lexical field.

A look at L’Oreal products and descriptions revealed the following words:

active, 24-hour, pro-vitamin B5, conditioning agents, UVA/UVB rays, defense, liposomes, hydration, Pro-Retinol A, Fiber-Restoring Complex, fibrous network, regenerate, serum, collagen, Pro-Xylane, Hyaluronic Acid, chemistry, Multi-Layer Cell Strengthening, Collagen Bio-Activator, biologically stimulates, Collagen Biospheres, reinforces, strengthens, lifts, tightens, pore-targeting technology, cellular level, cell renewal, brightens, smoothes, mature skin, appearance, age spots, fine lines, surface wrinkles, Dermo-Peptide, technology, beta hydroxy acid (BHA), moisture, elasticity, marine collagen, anti-sagging, ultra-hydrating, concentrate, skin’s matrix, fortify, boosts cellular renewal, advanced action, signs of aging, formulas, Pro-Tensium E

What??? Exactly.

Personal hygiene products and cosmetics/cosmeceuticals are at the top of my list for the most far-out and ridiculous, yet beautiful use of the lexical field I have ever come across. The fact that some of the words these companies use are made up, compounded, and unintelligible to the public makes no difference to me- I love them for it. It provides me endless amusement… sprinkled with outrage.

Anyone ever read some of those personal ads? Are they blogging or are they looking for love? “Disillusioned, bitter cynic seeks foolish, hurt girl” how deep.

Storefronts unhinge metallic jaws to reveal many a tienda that line the street. What was once iron-clad is now only a dollar. A man on his bike rides past, salsa music blaring in his wake. Soon, an icecream truck will start its beat. A hungover mass of lank and irony, with its skinny legs in skinny jeans, bobs past.  

Graham Avenue opens up to me every morning. The cry of that goddamn rooster reassures me that I am not in the comfort of my home but living on borrowed time in The City. I’ve decided I won’t particularly miss him if someone were especially hungry.

It is the start of another day.